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I feel loved

I have not been myself this week. For some reason, I have been caught in this web of depression, hating myself, my life, my job and especially hating the area where I live. Atlanta is not an easy place to be because it is a city steeped in hate. This hate has been present for decades and has nothing to do with me, really, but it drags me down because I can feel the aggressive disdain that many of the residents seem to have for one another. At least, this is the case in the part of Atlanta in which I currently reside.

My husband has borne my "funk" like a saint. On Wednesday night, I reached an all time low and I could see how it was beginning to affect him. So I made him a promise. I told him I would make a conscious effort to be more like my usual, upbeat self the next day. And I kept my promise. And things are looking better.

The flowers and Oreos that Dave had waiting for me when I got home certainly helped.

I'm not sure I could do it again.

The word "dating" scares me. It's not that I haven't had my fair share of dating or that it didn't end well for me. What scares me is how it has changed in the three (almost four) years I have been with my Dave.

When I was dating, I tried all of the different avenues that are now considered "old-fashioned" thanks to the advent of the internet. I sat in coffee shops, I played intra-mural sports, I joined a running club, and I even went out on a blind date arranged by my grandmother. These avenues were all pretty successful, but then I was in my early twenties and I think that makes it A LOT easier to date.

Now I am approaching thirty, and the rules have changed. There is now Match.com, eHarmony, Craigslist, Nerve.com...and even Myspace, where you create a packaged you to try and "sell" to potential "buyers." It's bad enough that you can't be completely yourself during the process of trying to find a job, but now you have to create what's basically a resume in order to find someone that will date you?

I actually tried Match.com and it was a painful, albeit brief experience. I met some guys who were just messed up in the head. The two that I dated from the web had lists of deal breakers that were so detailed that I was sure to fail their idea of the perfect mate. My own list of deal breakers was short and sweet by comparison: likes coffee, likes the beach, likes kids, has a good relationship with his mom, likes dogs and cats, reads, looks good in a stetson, can hold a conversation, is not an alcoholic, is not addicted to sports or television.

Nowadays I think that guys have too many options. Guys just assume they have an unlimited supply of girls to "choose from" and want to constantly keep their options open.

I dated a guy for a whole year before we had the "exclusive" talk and he actually told me we should see other people, but keep dating - and sleeping with, mind you - each other. So I did...I immediately went and found another guy to date and introduced the two of them. They were okay with it because they both didn't want to commit. Needless to say, I dumped both of them. The guy who wanted to "see other people, but keep dating each other" showed up at my mom's house last month to ask about me...SIX years later. Guess he's finally ready to commit, LOL!

There are women of my generation who, thanks to shows like "Sex in the City," embrace the lifestyle the guy who dated me wanted me to embrace. What happen to our values as a society? When did we start valuing ourselves above all else? We have become a society that is so used to having our every impulsive need want met, that we don't have the patience for others.

I had a single friend tell me that a guy she is seeing told her that they needed to "talk long and hard" about what it would take for him to see her exclusively. He said that being exclusive was hard work. Warning bells began going off in her head and she asked me for advice. Of course, exclusivity is hard work. It requires a certain amount of self-control, which less mature people seem to lack. You have to control your natural inclination to flirt. You have to control your emotions in terms of blowing up over little shit. You have to control your desire for excitement and adventure with the knowledge that there is security and comfort in being with the same person for any length of time. You become more of a team and it's less about you. But there are times when that teamwork is crucial, when having someone else shoulder just a little bit of the crap that life deals out is the only thing that keeps you going...the only thing that allows you to make it through the day.

Things have definitely changed and I am so glad that I am no longer in the dating trenches. I really don't think I could do it again.

Actual Conversation

Me: I am so sore from yoga...you have no idea. The instructor kept coming over and helping get deeper into the poses. I'm ouchy...

Dave: Well, do you stretch after?

M: What do you mean, "Do I stretch after?" After yoga?

D: Yeah. I stretch after my workouts and it helps.

M: *blink...blink*

D: What?!

M: You do realize that yoga IS stretching, don't you?

D: Yeah, so...

M: So do you really think it's necessary to stretch after stretching? I mean do you walk to cool down from walking? Or eat after eating? Or...

D: Shut up.

The benefits of exercise

I'm starting a new exercise regime and I desperately want to stick to it, but as it is my own self as the lone motivator, I'm not sure how successful I will be. Nevertheless, I am planning on either running or walking for at least one hour every other night. I started on Sunday by running/walking on my clothes stand treadmill for five miles!! See, I distract myself by the television that is cleverly mounted right at eye-level above the treadmill. I watched over an hour of Along Came Polly, walking during the movie and running during commercials.

Have you ever noticed that there are A LOT of commercials on TV anymore? Like an average of TEN per commercial break? I literally thought I was going to die as I was running my ass off, waiting for the damn movie to come back on. I'm sure it made for a good workout, but I realized the reason why I do not watch much television. TOO MANY DAMN COMMERCIALS!!

Anyway, back to my exercise ambitions!

I skipped Monday and Tuesday (oops, already screwing up the program). On Wednesday, I went to hot yoga. I love me some hot yoga, but I really hate the fact that I have to drive way out of my way to the yoga studio because there is not a yoga studio near me that does the hot yoga. If you've never tried hot yoga, YOU SHOULD! It is the best workout you can have while standing / laying on a little mat. It's a major workout, not too mention that you sweat your ass off (literally) in a room that is 105° and nearing 100% humidity. It sounds like it would be Hell-on-Earth, but I assure you, it feels blissful when you are done. Like you have been cleansed of all of your stress.

Since yoga was yesterday, that means that today is a day off from exercise (yea!) and tomorrow I will have to run / walk again. Just not during the commercials this time :)

The first...

...post to my blog. I'm kinda scared, but have lurked around the Blogosphere for so long, that I felt I needed to participate. So here I go...